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From Diploma to Depression: Sadness in a Unlikely Place

depression among college graduates

Depression in College Graduates

It’s amazing how your life can change in a matter of months. One day you are a happy college graduate full of faith and optimism and almost five months later you look in the mirror and don’t recognize who you are. Despite having a very public blog, I’m a very private person. I don’t share things about personal things like my relationships, finances, and personal struggles. I always alluded to the fact that I struggled with an eating disorder but when I shared a personal letter that I’d written to my body, I got so much positive feedback. I received emails from other women…mostly black girls who found comfort and support in me sharing my experience as a minority with a disorder not often talked about in our communities. So after weeks and weeks of me creating then deleting this blog post I decided to share my bout with depression. Millions of Americans suffer with this disease including a population that is often overlooked…recent college graduates. Depression is so variable. It doesn’t look the same in any two people. There are people who show the typical symptoms of a depressed person and there are those who are able to hide it without other’s knowing, That’s the thing about depression, it’s a silent disease. And a lot of people don’t want to talk about it. But I do.

depression among college graduates

I’ve always been a high achieving person both personally and academically. At my graduation party my mom displayed every award, certificate, and tangible achievement that I’ve ever had from pre-K to senior year of college. It’s definitely something for me to be proud of. I’m a perfectionist and I’ve found my identity in my achievements so when I graduated without a decent job offer, that was really hard for me. I was sad but I convinced myself that it was okay. Tons of recent graduates don’t get jobs right away. I just needed to trust God and be faithful. It was going to be fine. I went to Vegas to celebrate and when I came back I started a short term contract event planning position for a non-profit. I made sure to continue to interview and network so that I could easily transition from one position to the next.  May ended. I was okay, sad sometimes, but happy others. June came and I really begin to feel like a failure. My birthday came (June 19) and I mentally evaluated where I was in my life and I wasn’t pleased. I got sad. I told everyone…and I was adamant that I didn’t want to celebrate in any way, but part of me did. My family and friends respected my wishes and I didn’t have any kind of celebration or receive one gift. That made me even sadder. July came and still no job. By now the money that I saved to help aid in my transition was depleted. The money that I made from my contract position barely covered my rent and basic utilities. My credit card balances were scary. I quit going to church. I got sadder. I found myself crying at random times and I was angry at God. I was also angry at my school. Here I was, the student who did exactly what they told me to do; be involved (I was…sometimes too involved), get an internship (I had 6), work if you can in your industry (I always had at least 2 jobs at a time) and I was still unemployed.

August came . My contract ended and by then I was completely broken. I cried all times of the day. I slept in late. I barely ate..but I still gained weight.I began to get jealous of former classmates who got jobs.  My credit card balances were terrifying. And I became the queen of the payment plan. My friends and family really started getting on my nerves. No one understood…and they tried which made it worse.  I started a job doing Digital Marketing for a local home design company. I felt positive at first, like everything could be turning around. That was short lived. The work environment was toxic and unrealistic and going there everyday made me even sadder. My first check was decent enough that I decided to stick it out until I found something else but it was so hard to work in office where management literally yells at you and creates project after project…that isn’t even remotely related to your job. After my second check I had to quit. No literally, I had to. My second paycheck returned. I was so mad and so sad. It was fixed within a day or so but still when you are struggling to pay credit card minimums and bills any delay in your pay can cause major issues. It did. Late payments and fees, disconnect notices, and all the other things that’s associated with living check to check. So it’s mid September and I’m back at home, sleeping in, crying, applying for jobs, and interviewing…everyday. I’m really sad.

I started seeing a Christian therapist. This helped tremendously. I was able to talk to someone who didn’t know me, who didn’t offer me stupid advice, and who was able to give both a professional and Christian prognosis of what I needed to do going forward. Tomorrow is October 1. I’m still seeing her…once a week. I’m probably going to start taking an anti-depressant..but that’s okay, because I want to be better. Slowly but surely I feel like things have gotten better. I’m re-affirming my beliefs and faith in God. I’m not mad  at my school. I’m still doing small freelance jobs in event planning and digital marketing. And I’m doing an online certificate program online that keeps me busy and gives me a little money.

Depression is so real and I never really understood it until I was diagnosed myself. I feel good somedays…other’s not so much. I still cry randomly…like last night when I had to excuse myself from a fashion show but I think I’m going to get better now that I’m actively working on the issue. There are so many faces of depression…and although mine is different we are all struggling with the same disease. It’s important to make sure that we don’t make this subject taboo. It’s very common…especially among college graduates those unemployed (feeling like a failure)  and those that are employed (feeling lost, stressed, or overwhelmed). Post collegiate life is such a big transitional period and it’s a tough one. I’m praying for those who are in similar situations to mine, that we are able to get the help we need and that things turn around.

I wanted to share this with my readers (and advertisers) because it will somewhat explain my inconsistent all over the place posting  for the past few months. I almost quit blogging because I didn’t see the point anymore… but I know that me sharing my story can help others and  and remove stigma associated with depression. I’m also posting on Linkedin today about dealing with Post Graduation Depression.

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33 thoughts on “From Diploma to Depression: Sadness in a Unlikely Place”

  1. Bianca Maldonado

    Love this. Hate that you had to go through it… Never wish this on my worst enemy but what I tell myself every moment is there only one way to go when you hit rock bottom. You’re an inspiration… I don’t really know you but you’re a motivator. It’ll get better from someone who has hit rock bottom over and over again

  2. Jasmine
    Twitter:

    Taylor, thank you for writing about this issue. Depression is real and serious, I can definitely identify with you in some aspects, especially the financial problems. As my as I’d like to think that I’m great with finances, I’m not I suck. But reading your post opens my eyes to seek help. I definitely commend you for sharing this because you’re helping people out there; ME for sure! I am overwhelmed at the thought of figuring out what I’m supposed to do after graduation, I keep thinking I have to have everything in order but that’s not the case. Much like you I depend on my faith to get me through these hard times. And crying is good, I cry a lot too, you just have to get those feelings out and move forward in life. I know and believe God has a special plan for you that he’s cooking up, specific for you!

  3. Vernetta R. Freeney
    Twitter:

    Oh Taylor my heart aches for you. I have suffered from depression myself. It still creeps up especially around my birthday this summer. You will have good and tough days. Remember to follow through with the work you are doing with your therapist. This is also a good time to maybe get some rest. I know you. You always stay busy. Use this time to not only work on you but rest and enjoy the moment. This is a strengthening time period, we all have them. And they suck. If you ever need to talk to anyone, call or text me. I have been there graduating with NO job offers. But I rebounded and created my own path. You may be creating yours and not know it.
    Vernetta R. Freeney recently posted…When Your Focus Becomes Fuzzy…My Profile

    1. Taylor Brione Ballard
      Twitter:

      Thanks so much Vernetta! I agree with this being the time to create my own path. I think I was meant to be a full-time entrepreneur…but I wanted to do it on my terms. I think God has a plan for me and it may include me struggling for a little bit.I’m glad that I can see this and understand it now…it makes me feel better. Thank you again for stopping by with your encouragement! I really appreciate it.

      1. Vernetta R. Freeney
        Twitter:

        Yes, God does not let us be comfortable with that decision. I was going to teach one more year but no. God, told me to leave 1 month before I walked across the stage with my Masters. It’s your time. It’s scary and confusing but you’re setting yourself up for success working with a therapists and reflecting within.

        You know you always have my support. I’m rooting for you.
        Vernetta R. Freeney recently posted…When Your Focus Becomes Fuzzy…My Profile

  5. Morganlynn
    Twitter:

    This is a really nice post & very true. I absolutely love the honesty. I think almost every person I know has struggled with being lost and depressed. It’s wonderful and very important that you know that you aren’t alone. I’m so so proud of you for being brave enough to share, and even prouder of you for taking the necessary steps to get better. You are a walking inspiration & I love you.

  6. Shasie
    Twitter:

    Tay! I’m so proud of you for writing this! I’m sure your post has and will help lots of people. I’m sorry that you are going through this right now, but I hope with your therapy sessions and changing your thought processes that things will get better for you! I know my anxiety improved with my therapy sessions! It’s not 100% yet, but every day is an improvement! #StayStrong!

    XOXO,
    Shasie
    Shasie recently posted…ART HEARTS FASHION SHOW: Furne Amato CollectionMy Profile

  7. Whitney
    Twitter:

    You are so brave for sharing your struggle and I really commend you for doing so! It’s sometimes easy to forget that bloggers are people too, and they have their struggles just like everyone else. I struggle with anxiety and depression as well so I totally know where you are coming from. I was lucky enough to find work right out of college but out of the five people who graduated with my degree at the same time as me, only 2 had jobs within 6 months. Unfortunately even with a job, I moved a thousand miles away from my family and that is what made me depressed. I’m here for you girl!

  8. Meg O.
    Twitter:

    I am so sorry you have been dealing with depression, but you are so strong to bring light to the situation and open up about it! Life after college is a really rough transition, especially when you don’t go into the workforce immediately. I was in the same position where I didn’t get a teaching job until a year after I graduated. It was a tough year for me, but I ended up being in the perfect job. I know things are going to turn around for you and it’s awesome that you are really open and honest about how you’re feeling. I’ll be thinking and praying for you!
    Meg O. recently posted…Fall Mug Swap!My Profile

  10. Imani Talib
    Twitter:

    Hey Taylor,

    That was very brave of you to share. I’m sorry you are going through this right now but keep pushing forward despite how you feel. ( I know you already know this but I just want to reiterate) Pray when feelings of depression, sadness, or anything that is the opposite of joy begins to over take you. Remember God will align your pathway if you acknowledge Him and don’t loose faith. Honestly I believe even if your faith does waver He is still there working everything out for you. I like to remind myself what the fruits of the Spirit are, You are a believer so you are able to receive the Holy Spirit, if you haven’t already. Jesus left a helper who is here for you. Read this scripture Galations 5:22-23. Call me(email/fb message/whatever) if you ever need another ear to listen or someone to talk to. I’ve been at a point where I felt I was heading down a path of depression and began to do some of the same things you did. Stay strong and don’t stop reading God’s Word even if it’s just a scripture a day, Surround yourself with other people who are believers (Someone who actually try their best to live out God’s Word), (Trust me it’s helpful) You will get through this in Jesus’ name!

    Much love doll,
    Imani
    Imani Talib recently posted…Experience ~ Fall 2014My Profile

  11. K. Elizabeth (YUMMommy)
    Twitter:

    Kudos to you about getting proactive and taking steps to help improve and manage your depression. So many just suffer through. And thank goodness you left that toxic work environment. Being in constant high-stress and negative environments do not help depression.

    Know that I’ll be praying for you as you continue on this journey. Thank you for sharing your story with us!.
    K. Elizabeth (YUMMommy) recently posted…Thankful ThursdayMy Profile

  12. Kim

    My dear Taylor, depression is the most common mental health problem in the US. I have been reading and trying to learn more so that I can be more of a support system for you.

    Systems of depression is sad moods, feeling of worthlessness or guilt. It saddens me because the symptoms of depression totally clash with the definition of a hero. I have said many times that you are my hero. You overcame so many obstacles and you never let anything stop you or look back. You are greatly admired by me, your dad and all your sisters.

    Please know that I am here for you. Even though you may feel alone, you aren’t.

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  16. Paige Harris
    Twitter:

    I read this post over a year ago, and I never commented because I couldn’t find the words. Here we are almost a year later, and I am still struggling to put the words together to respond to this post. I had previous experience with people close to me in my life battling depression, but it was never medically diagnosed and the stints were very short-lived. And I had never had a best friend, someone who I interacted with on a daily basis, confided in and even started a business with, battle depression. So when you told me, not verbally, but you showed signs of depression, I thought it was something you would “snap out of,” something that I shouldn’t worry about, something that would be “cured” with time. I have always seen (and still do) you as such a strong person, overcoming every obstacle, taking on the world and taking names, so I know I was not being the friend you needed during this time. I was not listening. I was not supporting. I was there, but not in the way you needed, and I would like to publicly apologize for my absence during this time. You didn’t need a fix-all solution, you didn’t need advice, you didn’t need another project thrown at you, you just needed your friend. The last year has been crazy, for the both of us…a lot of pain and hurt packed with a lot of growth and wisdom as well. I cannot make up for my absence or actions, but what I can do is learn from my mistakes and try to become a better person. Depression is real, it is serious and it can effect ANYONE. I commend you for being so strong, for getting help and for sharing your story with others who are going through the same thing. I just want you to know, I don’t see you as that same mentally, emotionally and faithfully strong person as before, I see you as even stronger.

    1. Taylor Brione Ballard
      Twitter:

      Thank you Paige for your kind words. I appreciate you being there in one of my darkest moments, even though, you may not have had all the words or solutions, your continued being there (that sounds weird) really means a lot. I’ve learned a lot about myself and friendships in the past year and I’m grateful that you have been there for most of that journey. I’m getting better every day, stronger every day as well! Thanks girl!!

  17. Kim

    he·ro
    ˈhirō/
    noun
    1.
    a person, typically a man, who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.

    Taylor Brione, I have said this many times to you. You are my hero!

    Quit being so hard on yourself and live a little.

    I love you without condition,
    Mommie

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Taylor Brione Ballard

I’m Taylor Brione Ballard—a proud University of Houston grad from the Hilton College of Global Hospitality Leadership, where I majored in Event Management and Sales and picked up a minor in Nonprofit Management along the way.

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